Being able to manage and improve our emotional stability on an ongoing basis is a key aspect of maintaining good psychological health. However reactive we might be, we can learn to look after ourselves better, to be less prone to mood swings and agitated states of mind.
Being able to improve and regulate our emotional experience means our lives and our relationships become more stable and predictable. Over time that means that instead of things falling apart we can build stability.
Be careful around Alcohol and Drugs
Whilst we might not think of ourselves as addicts with drink or drug problems, it is generally helpful to limit anything that adds instability into our lives. Alcohol and drugs tend to make things harder, less stable, and less predictable.
The more we limit our exposure to things that work against our capacity to manage and improve our emotional stability, the better. Be careful around alcohol and drugs.
Give yourself time to think before you react
People who struggle to maintain their emotional stability are often quick to become reactive. All too quickly a cycle of reaction and counterreaction is triggered. This can have the effect of increasing the sense of emotional instability.
Develop the habit of taking a step back before you react. Give yourself the chance to count to ten. If you recognise that you tend to be reactive you will know that part of the experience is of being drawn into sudden reactions. Give yourself time.
This means that we start to create a space in which we can think and notice the difference between our projections, fantasies, daydreams, and reality. This gives us something a buffer zone so that we can think about things that happen to us without necessarily seeing them as personal; it means we have the mental space to adapt to challenges.
When we do this, it often follows that we realise there is no challenge. Learn to give yourself time before you react.
The more we start to develop good habits like this it means our emotional temperature can remain at a safe and constant level without blowing up into some kind of complicated psychological fever.
Build yourself an Emotional Stability thermostat
Think of your mental health as being comparable to a thermostat. At one end of the scale, we have stability and good mental health; at the other, we have instability and poor emotional health.
The challenge is to set our emotional thermostat to the optimum level on an ongoing basis, not too hot and not too cold. To do this, we need to be willing to keep an eye on it on an ongoing basis.
Learn to be more adaptable
Many of our psychological problems become simplified and easier to live with when we become more adaptable. Without realising it we may be attached to some idea of how we think life should be, without being able to adapt to experience. It’s never too late to learn to become more adaptable. When we do this we stop tying ourselves and our emotional experience to predetermined ideas. We learn to go with the flow.
Of course, some experiences are harder to adapt to than others, but when we give ourselves time to absorb the things that happen to us we tend to find we can learn to live with them. We can adapt. The more we can adapt the better our emotional stability tends to be.
We can’t change the bad experiences we have lived through, but we can become better at looking after ourselves in those moments when our problems raise their heads and we feel distressed again. We can learn to adapt.
When we lack Emotional Stability
We can be quick to diagnose ourselves with problems, but it’s not necessarily the case that we have a problem with being hyper-reactive, with jealousy, with anger, with mood swings, with OCD, with ADHD, and so on, though those things can become part of a problem.
Sometimes, a basic fact is that we haven’t learned how to look after our emotional stability, how to look after ourselves, how to make healthy choices and decisions in the first place. Sometimes, when it comes to our psychology, emotions and state of mind, we can become so used to trying to work out what’s wrong with us that we can miss the fact that we haven’t developed good self-care in the first place.
Don’t take Emotional Stability for granted
Sometimes we can take the idea of emotional stability for granted and only start to think about it when we see signs that something has gone wrong.
There may be an idea that we will just acquire emotional stability as we develop, but the reality is often rather different. Growing up, human development, are all complex processes, all of them littered with chance and sliding door moments.
The more we can learn to actively remember to look after our emotional stability the better. It can help to remember this first thing in the morning. Decide to actively remember and look after your emotional stability today, one day at a time.
The problem of not knowing how to manage emotional stability is often handed on from one generation to the next, and just like our parents did, we come to internalise the sometimes-complicated psychological conditions that we found ourselves growing up in. But from this, it also follows that if we can find a way to improve our emotional stability, there’s a chance that this will be of benefit for those around us, and for our children.
If you can give one thing to your children; make it emotional stability
Don’t think of this as a quick-fix subject; think of it as an ongoing project, though you might immediately start to make improvements when you begin to focus on it and keep it in mind.
Problems with emotional stability tend to be something that we have acquired. It usually relates to things that have happened to us, though often we might have lost sight of what those things are.
This post is an abridged extract from my book: How to Improve Emotional Stability, Amazon 2024.
How to Improve Emotional Stability
Emotional stability is not about suppressing emotions or never feeling upset. It is about managing reactions, staying grounded, and making thoughtful choices instead of impulsive ones. Whether you struggle with mood swings, anxiety, or just want to handle stress better, improving emotional stability can have a huge impact on your personal and professional life. Here’s how to do it in a practical way.
Recognise Your Triggers
Everyone has triggers—situations or interactions that set off strong emotions. Maybe it’s criticism, being ignored, or feeling out of control. The key is to recognise these triggers instead of reacting automatically.
For example, if traffic makes you irritable, instead of letting it ruin your day, try reframing it. Use that time to listen to a podcast or call a friend. Recognising patterns allows you to respond instead of react.
Strengthen Your Mindset
Emotional stability starts with mental resilience. If you’re constantly overwhelmed by small inconveniences, it might be time to shift your mindset.
- Accept that discomfort is part of life. Not everything will go your way, and that’s okay.
- Focus on what you can control. If you can’t change a situation, shift your energy to how you respond to it.
- Practice gratitude. Instead of dwelling on negatives, take a moment each day to acknowledge what’s going well.
Books and Publications
Contact me
Having the chance to speak in a confidential setting is often the key to developing a clearer understanding of our emotional stability. It may provide the space to understand more about how experience may have shaped us in ways that we haven’t fully acknowledged.
By giving yourself a safe space to look at these things you may start to discover a greater sense of possibilities, and this may be the beginning of developing a greater sense of understanding your emotional stability, of how to relate to yourself and others, how to start living more fully again, and how to start to have healthy relationships with yourself and other people.
The chance to reflect on ourselves, our feelings and experience can be powerful and transformative. Out of this, you may be able to develop a clearer understanding of how you and your sense of your problems have developed, and what you can change.
I have been working with people on issues such like this for more than twenty-five years. My work is built around helping you to develop greater insight into who you are, and how you live.
Contact me to arrange a free telephone consultation to discuss how my approach might help you.
Email: toby@tobyingham.com
