A toxic relationship is a relationship in which one partner shows signs of controlling, manipulative, or abusive behaviours. The lasting effects of a toxic relationship can be devastating.
Toxic relationships develop over time. The changes may be gradual and subtle to start with, but gradually, one partner starts to exert control and to limit the other partner’s freedom and choice. They do this on the basis that it is better for the relationship, better for the other person. But of course it’s not.
Just like the # MeToo movement brought more awareness to the subject of toxic relationships, the trial of Sean “Diddy” Combs in New York is brought fresh attention to the subject. The “freak offs”, sessions in which Diddy paid male escorts to have sex with Cassie while he watched, all became part of the disturbing court case.
Asked why she decided to testify against Combs, Ventura said she could no longer bear the emotional burden of all the years of his physical and emotional abuse, and “came here to do the right thing.”
Would Cassie be believed? There is something unsettling and horribly ironic in the fact that ‘Cassie’ is short for ‘Cassandra’. There is a history of Cassandras who have not been believed when they speak out. There is even a name for it; Cassandra syndrome.
Toxic relationships involve grooming and gaslighting
In a toxic relationship one partner gets power and control while the other partner is sold a dream they will never achieve. They flounder in their unhappiness while all the time being told they are getting what they want, this is the grooming part.
The relationship becomes hard to leave because the victim loses control of their independence, and typically loses access to their money too. The abusive partner has full control, and the victim is left manipulated and compromised.
Can a toxic relationship be repaired?
Maybe. If the controlling partner is willing and able to see the harm they are causing, then possibly the relationship might be repaired. But that is a big ask, and if that is not possible, or if your partner has said before that they will change, but then don’t, then you may have to find a way to leave the relationship.
Try to avoid getting drawn back into the toxic gaslit dynamics. The sooner you find a way to leave the sooner you can start to try to recover and rebuild your life.
Toxic relationships become increasingly destructive, they can go on for years. Once children are involved, it becomes even harder to leave.
Walking on eggshells in a toxic relationship
If you are walking on eggshells around your partner, this is a sign that things have gone badly wrong, that this is not a sustainable relationship.
Try to avoid blaming yourself. In a toxic relationship, it becomes hard to keep sight of your intuition. Toxic relationships break people down.
The dominant partner, driven by their own narcissistic needs and toxic masculinity, feels threatened by their partner’s success. Their achievements are taken as a threat to them and rather than developing as a healthy nurturing and supportive team the emphasis changes. The abusive partner will want you to be in your place, they won’t want to see signs of autonomy and independence. It scares them.
Cassie Ventura was cross-examined for four days in a brutal legal onslaught in an attempt to discredit her.
Arguments and toxic relationships
Arguments are an ordinary part of a healthy relationship. It is natural that over time we will disagree and argue in order to work things out. The argument allows us to air our grievances in a way that creates more room for the relationship to develop. Sometimes arguments are just the way we grow.
In toxic relationships, arguments don’t lead to growth, they become more subtle, coercive and common. As the relationship develops the abusive partner becomes more controlling. They become obsessive, jealous and possessive, it is their fear that is the mainspring of all the toxicity.
The abusive partner see signs of threat and danger in ordinary behaviour. In a toxic relationship the controlling jealous partner limits the amount of freedom the other partner can have. Once this pattern of control has become dominant, the relationship becomes increasingly unhealthy and difficult. From this, the victim, caught in a coercive situation, finds themselves dependent and vulnerable.
Fear takes root and we become isolated and lose our capacity to escape. This is why we need to try to be realistic about whether we feel the relationship can be fixed or not.
These toxic patterns stem from early psychological injuries and unless the abusive partner can find a way to take responsibility for their own worries fears and anxieties there is little hope for their relationships.
If you identify that you are in such a relationship, take action, get help and leave.
If we grew up in homes in which one parent or perhaps both were controlling manipulative and psychologically unhealthy, we may have developed a complicated relationship with love freedom and health. We may find ourselves drawn to abusive partners who replay our childhood experience of control.
Grooming and toxic relationships
These relationships tend to have a grooming component. They start off from the basis that you are going to get what you need, the relationship will be good for you, but that isn’t how toxic relationships play out. Over time, the victim finds themselves trapped, powerless and scared.
Toxic relationships and gaslighting
When controlling and manipulative impulses are left unchecked they start to reshape the relationship. The victim is being undermined, their confidence eroded. Instead of respect and kindness, the atmosphere and dynamic takes on a sarcastic, critical or contemptuous tone.
Suspicion and doubt become ‘go to’ responses when threats are felt. In a toxic relationship one partner can have the experience that they are continually being disbelieved doubted and manipulated. They know that there are problems in the relationship, but every time they try to talk about it they find themselves doubted and undermined. This is how gaslighting develops in relationships.
Supporting a friend in a toxic relationship
If someone you know is in a toxic relationship, if you think that they are being groomed or gaslit, try to speak with them when they are on their own and find out more about what’s going on.
Try not to be fobbed off if they tell you that there is ‘nothing to see here’. Try to speak about what you notice about how they have changed, how they stopped going out, how they’ve lost their confidence. Remind them that they did not used to be like this. See if you can find out what is going on in the relationship.
Help is available and that can start with good friends, but sometimes an independent counselling service or support group is necessary.
“Hip-hop mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs was sentenced to just over four years in prison on Friday after being convicted on prostitution-related charges involving his two ex-girlfriends.” BBC 4 October 2025
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Having the chance to speak in a confidential setting is often the key to developing a clearer understanding of what might be behind our experiences of toxic relationships. It may provide the space to understand more about what we have been going through.
By giving yourself a safe space to look at these things you may start to discover a greater sense of possibilities, and this may be the beginning of developing a greater sense of understanding how to relate to yourself and others, how to start living more fully again, and how to start to have healthy relationships with yourself and other people.
The chance to reflect on ourselves, our feelings and experience can be powerful and transformative. Out of this, you may be able to develop a clearer understanding of how you and your sense of your problems have developed, and what you can change.
I have been working with people on issues such like this for more than twenty years. My work is built around helping you to develop greater insight into who you are, and how you live.
Contact me to arrange a free telephone consultation to discuss how my approach might help you.
Email: toby@tobyingham.com
