Narcissistic gaslighting is a term that describes situations in which someone who themselves has narcissistic tendencies tries to make you doubt yourself. The motive behind the manipulation may be complicated, but it may involve an attempt to reinforce their authority while undermining yours.
Understanding Narcissistic Gaslighting
Two complicated things are happening at the same time. In one, you are dealing with someone who has a distorted sense of themselves and their influence. In the other, you are being encouraged to doubt yourself.
Narcissism describes a range of complicated distortions to a person’s sense of self. These may range from a heightened and inflated sense of their self-importance to the opposite, a complication in maintaining any sense of self-worth. Because of this, the narcissist may be driven to seek approval of themselves again and again, because no matter how many times they are given assurances about themselves, they struggle to keep hold of their sense of value. The narcissist may look for people who will fill their need for self-approval and any ideas that conflict with that will be rejected. This is where the gaslighting element may come into play.
What happens in cases of Narcissistic Gaslighting
The narcissist will deploy strategies that cast doubt upon any ideas that challenge or contradict their inflated sense of themselves. One way of doing this is to undermine the other person. It is reminiscent of the Queen in Walt Disney’s Snow White using a magic mirror to repeatedly tell her that she is the fairest of them all.
People who look to maintain relationships with narcissists who gaslight will find themselves forced into the role similar to that of the magic mirror. Any ideas that contradict the sense of the narcissist’s specialness will not be tolerated. In some cases, this can provoke very aggressive actions. If you are at the receiving end of this it can make you doubt yourself, lose your confidence, at an extreme it can lead to feelings of paranoia.
Gaslighting involves undermining someone’s experience through doubting them or at an extreme, by categorically telling them that they are mistaken, that what they are saying isn’t true. If you have been raised by a parent who suffers with narcissistic issues it may have placed an extra strain on your capacity to develop a stable sense of yourself.
The uncertainty that a narcissistic gaslighting parent can introduce may complicate our sense of identity. Ordinary healthy development involves children being able to establish and internalise clarity of mind about the difference between themselves and other people. A narcissistic gaslighting parent interferes with this because of their priority to be given positive feedback about themselves. They may put less emphasis on the healthy development of the child and more on the child’s capacity to bring them narcissistic supplies; proof of their own value.
A Magic Mirror; Narcissistic Gaslighting
While in the short term this can create a sense of satisfying relationship between the parent and child (the Queen is pleased that the magic mirror confirms her high opinion of herself), in the longer term it can serve to undermine the child’s psychological and intellectual development. The child becomes caught up in giving the narcissistic gaslighting parent what they need at the expense of themselves. At the start they may know that what they are being asked to supply makes no sense, but over time this can lever excessive pressure on the mind of the child. Narcissistic gaslighting involves delusions of grandeur, the person thinks of themselves as special, grandiose and this can be very challenging to live with.
Self-care and Narcissistic Gaslighting
Trying to have a relationship with someone who is caught up in a pattern of narcissistic gaslighting will be complicated and ultimately will deplete your energy resources. The need to constantly affirm the person’s version of events despite evidence to the contrary will likely drain you. Over time the constant demand to prop up their version of the world may have a bad effect on your health. Longer term it may lead to you becoming confused as you lose confidence in your judgement. Gradually we come to internalise the conditions we live in until we don’t know what’s going on.
To counter the pressure the narcissistic gaslighting creates try to establish some boundaries which make it easier for you to keep your perspective. Try to prioritise your own mental health because left unchecked the experience of being gaslit can be destructive. Try to speak with someone you trust, someone who is external to the situation and who may help you to untangle the complications you are experiencing.
You aren’t overreacting, despite what the gaslighting narcissist might tell you, and holding onto the sense that your reactions are legitimate and accurate can be difficult. Indeed, it is often one of the signs of the problem you are struggling with.
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Having the chance to speak in a confidential setting is often the key to developing a clearer understanding of what might be behind our experiences of narcissistic gaslighting. It may provide the space to understand more about how experience may have shaped us in ways that we haven’t fully acknowledged.
By giving yourself a safe space to look at these things you may start to discover a greater sense of possibilities, and this may be the beginning of developing a greater sense of understanding how to relate to yourself and others, how to start living more fully again, and how to start to have healthy relationships with yourself and other people.
The chance to reflect on ourselves, our feelings and experience can be powerful and transformative. Out of this, you may be able to develop a clearer understanding of how you and your sense of your problems have developed, and what you can change.
I have been working with people on issues such like this for more than twenty years. My work is built around helping you to develop greater insight into who you are, and how you live.
Contact me to arrange a free telephone consultation to discuss how my approach might help you.
Email: toby@tobyingham.com
