Emotional stability is the bedrock of our psychological health, it means that we have space in our minds to reflect on our experiences and to think about things that happen to us without necessarily reacting to them.
It means that we have a space in which we can think and notice the difference between our projections, fantasies, daydreams, and reality.
It gives us a buffer zone so that we can think about things that happen to us without seeing them as personal; it means we have the mental space to adapt to challenges.
It means our emotional temperature can remain at a safe and constant level without us breaking into some kind of complicated psychological fever.
How’s your Emotional Stability thermostat?
You might think of your mental health as being like a thermostat. At one end of the dial, we have good mental health; at the other, we have poor emotional health. The challenge is how to set our emotional thermostat to the optimum level on an ongoing basis, not too hot and not too cold.
Many of our psychological problems become simplified and easier to live with when we remember to pay attention to our emotional stability. We can’t change the bad experiences we have lived through, but we can become better at looking after ourselves in those moments when our problems raise their heads and we feel distressed again.
When we lack Emotional Stability
It’s not necessarily that we have a problem with being hyper-reactive, with jealousy, with anger, with mood swings, with OCD, with ADHD, and so on, though those things can become part of a problem. Often, a key fact is that we lack sufficient emotional stability to look after ourselves and make healthier choices and decisions in the first place. When it comes to our psychology, emotions and moods, we can become so used to trying to work out what’s wrong with us that we can miss this.
Do you take your Emotional Stability for Granted?
We might take the idea of emotional stability for granted and if anything, only start to think about it when we start to see signs that something has gone wrong. There may be an idea that we will just acquire emotional stability as we grow and develop, but the reality is often rather different. Maturation, growth and development are all complex processes, all of them littered with risks and sliding door moments. It’s curious that we automatically teach our children to brush their teeth and wash their hands, but we don’t teach them to look after their emotional stability. We seem to have forgotten that it is an important subject in its own right, one that requires attention.
The problem of not knowing how to manage emotional stability is often handed on from one generation to the next, and just like our parents did, we come to internalise the sometimes-complicated psychological conditions that we found ourselves growing up in. But from this, it also follows that if we can find a way to improve our emotional stability, there’s a chance that this will be of benefit for those around us, and for our children.
If you can give one thing to your children; make it emotional stability
One of the tasks of parenthood is to help children adapt to challenges, to the problems life unavoidably presents us with. To help children adapt to events that might otherwise upset emotional stability, and to provide a containing presence that helps them to process change.
When this goes well, the child can get on with exploring and learning. When it goes badly, when it isn’t dealt with at all, then the child is left to deal with complicated emotional issues alone; trauma, illness, violence, an alcohol or drug problem, bereavement, divorce, all these things disturb emotional stability. Sometimes, it is these kinds of unprocessed experiences that can lay the foundations of what later become more complicated emotional states, and which can go on to become the roots of unhealthy life choices, risk-taking, arguments, and addiction. Typically, the events and the attachments and relationships we experienced in our early years point our minds and moods in certain directions, and once done so, we tend to hold that course.
This isn’t a quick-fix subject; better to think of it as an ongoing project, though you might immediately start to make improvements when you begin to focus on it and keep it in mind.
Think of developing emotional stability as an ongoing project, much like maintaining physical health
It’s important to remember that none of us have a fixed position on this thermostat and that throughout life, we are all subject to events that throw our lives into upheaval. This might be following an argument, a bereavement, a deterioration in our physical health, a divorce, a betrayal, a redundancy, and so on. Traumatic life events, because they are a challenge to adapt to, always have the capacity to undermine our emotional stability.
It might relate to problems dealing with a difficult and unstable boss at work. It might have to do with dealing with a bully. It is helpful when we can recognise other people’s problems with emotional stability. The more our base line of emotional stability is secure, the more our emotional thermostat is well regulated, the better.
But to repeat, problems with emotional stability tend to be something that we have acquired. It usually relates to things that have happened to us, though often we might have lost sight of what those things are.
This post is an abridged extract from my forthcoming book: How to Improve Emotional Stability, Amazon 2024.
How to Improve Emotional Stability
Emotional stability is not about suppressing emotions or never feeling upset. It is about managing reactions, staying grounded, and making thoughtful choices instead of impulsive ones. Whether you struggle with mood swings, anxiety, or just want to handle stress better, improving emotional stability can have a huge impact on your personal and professional life. Here’s how to do it in a practical way.
Recognise Your Triggers
Everyone has triggers—situations or interactions that set off strong emotions. Maybe it’s criticism, being ignored, or feeling out of control. The key is to recognise these triggers instead of reacting automatically.
For example, if traffic makes you irritable, instead of letting it ruin your day, try reframing it. Use that time to listen to a podcast or call a friend. Recognising patterns allows you to respond instead of react.
Strengthen Your Mindset
Emotional stability starts with mental resilience. If you’re constantly overwhelmed by small inconveniences, it might be time to shift your mindset.
- Accept that discomfort is part of life. Not everything will go your way, and that’s okay.
- Focus on what you can control. If you can’t change a situation, shift your energy to how you respond to it.
- Practice gratitude. Instead of dwelling on negatives, take a moment each day to acknowledge what’s going well.
Books and Publications
Contact me
Having the chance to speak in a confidential setting is often the key to developing a clearer understanding of our emotional stability. It may provide the space to understand more about how experience may have shaped us in ways that we haven’t fully acknowledged.
By giving yourself a safe space to look at these things you may start to discover a greater sense of possibilities, and this may be the beginning of developing a greater sense of understanding your emotional stability, of how to relate to yourself and others, how to start living more fully again, and how to start to have healthy relationships with yourself and other people.
The chance to reflect on ourselves, our feelings and experience can be powerful and transformative. Out of this, you may be able to develop a clearer understanding of how you and your sense of your problems have developed, and what you can change.
I have been working with people on issues such like this for more than twenty-five years. My work is built around helping you to develop greater insight into who you are, and how you live.
Contact me to arrange a free telephone consultation to discuss how my approach might help you.
Email: toby@tobyingham.com
