The term commitment issues typically describe relationship anxieties and refers to the problems someone has committing to a long-term relationship.
‘It was like it was beyond my control, like I was caught in an automatic repetitive pattern. I would meet people and quite quickly things would get serious but then further on, when we started talking about moving in together I would lose my confidence. One minute I would be on the verge committing to an exciting future and the next I would be alone again. I know my partner found it very difficult. But it was like it was beyond my control. All of a sudden the relationship would be over.’ Anonymous client
Making sense of Commitment issues
Commitment issues are often rooted in very old attachment wounds.
If we grew up in families or homes in which we did not feel secure or safe this can leave a legacy of vulnerability which can surface as anxiety when we find ourselves in relationships.
Sometimes this can relate to growing up in single-parent families, or to growing up without a father. When we grow up without an appropriate sense of care and support, later in life we may be more likely to find ourselves stressed by ideas of commitment.
John Bowlby, thought of as the father of attachment theory, used the term internal working model to designate a cognitive framework comprising mental representations for understanding the world, self and others. His idea was that we use this internal working model as a frame of reference that may help us to gain greater understanding about how we relate to others, which means it might help us develop better relationships.
Going beyond old commitment issues
To give ourselves a chance to change what might otherwise be a cycle of relationships that breakdown at a certain commitment point, it may be helpful to understand more about these old attachment stories and experiences.
It is possible to deepen our understanding of what happened to us in our early families, to understand more about the worlds we grew up in and how they have shaped us, and to use that information to help us create more stable, predictable and committed relationships in the present. As we improve our emotional stability in the present we improve our chances of understanding what drives our commitment issues.
Commitment issues are often handed on from one generation to the next, and just like our parents did, we come to internalise the sometimes-complicated psychological conditions that we found ourselves growing up in. Our anxiety about commitment.
But from this, it also follows that if we can find a way to improve our feelings about commitment, there’s a chance that this will be of benefit for those around us, and possibly for our children. When we learn how to work on our commitment issues we really are changing the world.
The more we can become interested in our problems, vulnerabilities and commitment issues, the more we can work on them and the more we may be able to change things.
Psychotherapy and Commitment Issues
The process of psychotherapy often involves creating a space in which we can think about the things that frighten us.
We can make room in the therapeutic relationship to understand the way our commitment issues and anxieties are provoked.
We do this so that the next time we feel the tension, anxiety, or fear of our commitment issue rise up in us, we might be able to have an option, an alternative to our flight response.
Commitment Issues – what happens to our bodies
Commitment issues can raise a kind of trauma response in us, and when that happens, powerful hormones are released into our systems.
Noradrenaline, adrenaline, cortisol, these hormones have a powerful effect and take time to be metabolised. When they are in our system, it can accelerate the urge towards a flight response. It is possible to learn to process these hormones, to work with these feelings so that we have more options.
We might still feel trepidation and anxiety in the face of commitment, but it doesn’t mean we’ll have to repeat the pattern of walking away from what might be a good relationship.
Commitment issues, understanding this in psychotherapy
In psychotherapy, we speak of transference. This is a technical term that describes the repetition in a new relationship of feelings that stem from older relationships, typically referring to our early years.
It is natural that in psychotherapy we might start to feel our sense of commitment anxiety, but in therapy we might be able to work through this, so that we don’t necessarily have to break off a therapy that might be very helpful. In this way therapy might help us to find an alternative to repeating the flight response and breaking off a relationship because of our commitment issues.
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Having the chance to speak in a confidential setting is often the key to developing a clearer understanding of what might be behind our commitment issues. It may provide the space to understand more about how experience may have shaped us in ways that we haven’t fully acknowledged.
By giving yourself a safe space to look at these things you may start to discover a greater sense of possibilities, and this may be the beginning of developing a greater sense of understanding how to relate to yourself and others, how to start living more fully again, and how to commit and start to have healthy relationships with yourself and other people.
The chance to reflect on ourselves, our feelings and experience can be powerful and transformative. Out of this, you may be able to develop a clearer understanding of how you and your sense of your problems have developed, and what you can change.
I have been working with people on issues such like this for more than twenty years. My work is built around helping you to develop greater insight into who you are, and how you live.
Contact me to arrange a free telephone consultation to discuss how my approach might help you.
Email: toby@tobyingham.com
