Cassandra syndrome refers to the experience of feeling repeatedly doubted, disbelieved, and undermined. The name has a long history referring to women who have been doubted and undermined.
In the myths of ancient Greece, Cassandra was given the gift of prophecy by Apollo, but when she wouldn’t become his lover Apollo cursed her, and from then on, when she used her gifts of prophecy to try to warn those around her, particularly in the city of Troy, she was destined not to be believed.
In the modern version, Apollo is a gaslighter, a powerful and destructive partner best avoided.
Cassandra could be any of us, but there is currently one Cassandra in a New York courtroom: Cassie Ventura. Cassie is short for Cassandra.
In the same as the # MeToo movement brought awareness to the subject of toxic relationships, the trial of Sean “Diddy” Combs in New York has brought fresh attention to the subject. In the New York court room the jury have heard how Diddy paid male escorts to have sex with Cassie while he watched.
Asked why she decided to testify against Combs, Ventura said she could no longer bear the emotional burden of all the years of his physical and emotional abuse, and “came here to do the right thing.”
Will Cassie be believed? There is something unsettling and horribly ironic in the fact that ‘Cassie’ is short for ‘Cassandra’. There is a history of Cassandras who have not been believed when they speak out. There is even a name for it; Cassandra syndrome.
No was never an option
In her closing argument, prosecutor Maurene Comey began by saying the defense just spent “a whole lot of energy trying to blame (Combs’) victims and the US government for his lies, his threats, and for his inexcusable behavior.” She added that this trial “was about how, in Sean Combs’ world, ‘no’ was never an option.”
Cassandra Syndrome and Gaslighting
Today, we are more familiar with the concept of gaslighting, the idea of abusive relationships in which one partner is consistently disbelieved or has their opinions thrown into doubt by another more powerful person.
The victim (Cassandra), knows that things are going on that are working against them, but every time they try to raise the subject, they are put down, stifled, and silenced.
Over time, this can have the effect of undermining confidence and can have very destructive consequences. The person being doubted is frustrated and over time can be pushed to the point of misery.
The defence team kept Cassie Ventura in the witness box for four days, during which they repeatedly tried to undermine her.
Stop Dating Narcissistic Partners
Feeling that you have been cast into the role of a Cassandra is sometimes a consequence of being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner who has a bias to see everything on their terms.
You can’t argue your way around this kind of fixed position; every time you try to, you will be undermined again. It is much better to change yourself and stop dating narcissistic partners.
A Client’s Story
My marriage had been unhappy for a long time, and then I found out that my husband had been having an affair. I tried to speak with my friends about it but they were all charmed by him and they didn’t believe me either. I was so frustrated and confused. Every time I challenged him, he told me I was imagining things. In the end I wasn’t sure what to believe. I think that’s what brought me to counselling, I needed somewhere to work out what was going on. – Anonymous client
In this account, the clients’ hunches were proved to be valid. She was right all along, there were serious problems in the marriage, but she no longer knew what to believe, and she ended up going along with things she would never have thought she would put up with.
In the long run, this can have the consequence of undermining and confusing the doubted person.
Cassandra Syndrome, the Intuitive Person
Often, the victims of gaslighting are themselves highly empathic and intuitive, but they are coerced, undermined until they can only doubt themselves. While all the time repeatedly being told they are making things up.
We can understand this as a form of destructive manipulation which serves to undermine one partners’ confidence and belief in themselves.
Another version of this phenomenon is when someone has been raised in a family that undermined their confidence in themselves and other people. As a consequence, they may struggle to feel safe in relationships.
Helping Cassandra escape the Syndrome
If you know someone who you suspect is the victim of a narcissistic partner, someone who is casting them as the Cassandra in the story, try to speak with the person when they are alone and away from their partner.
See if you can encourage them to tell you more about what is happening in the relationship. Even if they are reluctant to take you up on the offer of speaking about this now, they may feel able to later.
It is a sensitive subject that will need to be approached with care. They may feel that they are walking on eggshells. The person may have become so used to doubting themselves that they will struggle to know what to say to you.
Changing the habits of a lifetime
If you have never been used to having a voice, then it may feel more natural for you when you are being put down and ignored. Doubted by your partner.
You want to try to give yourself a chance to change what might be a long-standing habit of self-doubt, so you can take yourself and your ideas more seriously. Other people might call you a Cassandra, but that doesn’t mean that you have to call yourself one. You can develop a new perspective and start to back yourself.
This may be the start of changing the habit of dating narcissistic destructive partners. Just because Cassandra was cursed by Apollo in an ancient myth does not mean that you have to live like that now. With care it is possible to start to live a more emotionally stable life.
The challenge is how to start to believe in yourself when nobody else appears to. Give yourself time. This is a new project.
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Having the chance to speak in a confidential setting is often the key to developing a clearer understanding of what might be behind our experiences of Cassandra syndrome. It may provide the space to understand more about how experience may have shaped us in ways that we haven’t fully acknowledged.
By giving yourself a safe space to look at these things you may start to discover a greater sense of possibilities, and this may be the beginning of developing a greater sense of understanding how to relate to yourself and others, how to start living more fully again, and how to start to have healthy relationships with yourself and other people.
The chance to reflect on ourselves, our feelings and experience can be powerful and transformative. Out of this, you may be able to develop a clearer understanding of how you and your sense of your problems have developed, and what you can change.
I have been working with people on issues such like this for more than twenty years. My work is built around helping you to develop greater insight into who you are, and how you live.
Contact me to arrange a free telephone consultation to discuss how my approach might help you.
Email: toby@tobyingham.com
