The idea behind the anger iceberg is that the emotional responses that we see in other people are but the surface issues. The point to keep in mind is that there may be more going on than meets the eye. This is as relevant for us, as for other people. The model is based on a tool developed by the Gottman Institute.
It can be helpful to remember that when we, or others, experience anger there are generally other emotions going on, other underlying feelings. Anger is often the easy emotion to spot, and it can be more difficult to recognise the underlying feelings that might be involved.
The Gottman Institute model identifies anger as a secondary emotion which is covering up our vulnerability and vulnerable feelings. The primary emotions may be triggered by feelings of fear, anxiety, worry, fear of rejection, or abandonment. These are the feelings that are covered up and hidden beneath the anger.
For all of us, children and adults, it is helpful when we can learn to recognise that there might be more going on beneath and behind our feelings than we are acknowledging.
In a psychoanalytic model we might say that anger is the manifest emotion and that other feelings are latent, that they obscured or not yet visible.
The Anger Iceberg is a metaphor
Anger is just the surface emotion that we feel and that other people see, the question is; how do we find a way to access the deeper feelings that are being masked and sit beneath the anger?
The feelings that are going on beneath the surface are more complex
Other people might see our irritation, our anger, they might recognise our outbursts, but the feelings we have that are going on beneath the surface are more complex. Hidden below are our vulnerable feelings; our pain, perhaps sadness, grief, shame and embarrassment. It can feel like these other hidden, or latent emotions, would be too painful and difficult to work with.
It is not surprising that we struggle to speak about our underlying feelings, but until we find a way to access and work on our these more obscured feelings and vulnerability, we are destined to show anger to other people, and anger can have the effect of driving people away.
When anger is at the top of the iceberg it can increase our experience of loneliness, isolation and shame. This can become a kind of perpetual cycle that erodes our capacity to live a more connected and creative life. It is hard to develop and sustain relationships when we are always showing only the tip of the iceberg of our feelings to other people. Getting beneath the surface emotion can help us improve our emotional stability.
Exploring and addressing underlying emotions
As we find the confidence to travel further down the iceberg of our feelings, to go below the water line, we arrive at the feelings that we may rarely acknowledge or express. These might relate to fear, loneliness, anxiety and so on. And below that, the root feelings that drive the experience often relate to a fundamental sense of a lack of safety, a lack of connection. When we find a way to get under the surface, get below the waterline and access the more vulnerable feelings that are driving the anger that people see, then we might find a way to change things.
For a long time I was trapped in an emotional pattern. When I felt stressed or anxious I would become angry and lash out at other people. I got away with being a bully at work because my sales figures were always good so my boss let me get away with things. But the relationships I created with other people were poor. I think my partners were always walking on eggshells. All I knew how to do was work, make money. In time I started to drink more. It was all part of a dysfunctional pattern. I really regret the amount of time I’ve wasted when I could have been getting closer to people. There was one relationship in particular where I wanted more but I didn’t no how to say so and I ended up pushing them away. Anonymous client.
The anger iceberg can prove to be a very useful metaphor; it helps us start to think more about what might be going on beneath the surface. It helps us start to find a way to work on the underlying feelings that we might tend to ignore.
It isn’t an answer in itself, but it gives us a place to start from, and often that is what makes all the difference.
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Having the chance to speak in a confidential setting is often the key to developing a clearer understanding of what might be behind our experiences and the way we behave in love relationships. It may provide the space to understand more about how experience may have shaped us in ways that we haven’t fully acknowledged. In psychotherapy we find ways to develop conversations that support exploring our underlying issues.
By giving yourself a safe space to look at these things you may start to discover a greater sense of possibilities, and this may be the beginning of developing a greater sense of understanding how to relate to yourself and others, how to start living more fully again, and how to start to have healthy relationships with yourself and other people.
The chance to reflect on ourselves, our feelings and experience can be powerful and transformative. Out of this, you may be able to develop a clearer understanding of how you and your sense of your problems have developed, and what you can change.
I have been working with people on issues such like this for more than twenty years. My work is built around helping you to develop greater insight into who you are, and how you live.
